Miscarriage – a father speaks

11 February 2006

“I’m going to be a daddy!” A thought of excitement shared by many men. But what about when things go wrong? An article in the Times newspaper reported that men suffered more from miscarriage than their wives/partners. While this view may be exaggerated and unbalanced, men’s thoughts and feelings are often not considered by others when his wife/partner has had a miscarriage.

Isobel and were very fortunate in the support we received from each other, our family (including church), friends and our doctor. But, however true or well meant, however nicely it is said, no one experiencing miscarriage wants to hear “It’s better that it happened now rather than later” or “It’s nature’s way of stopping things which aren’t right”. Although we understand the good intentions, we found these phrases most unhelpful and inappropriate. I feel the following are more helpful, “Our/my thoughts are with you both. I/we don’t know what you’re going through but we feel for you both. Is there anything I/we can do to help? I/we are sorry to hear about your loss”.

“With a reported 1 in 5 couples experiencing miscarriage it is surprising that many only hear how common it is when they suffer such a loss first hand. One lady told me that when she lost her first baby, she believed it had only happened to her. Many couples experience feelings they find difficult to cope with and talk about, such as:

Sense of loss
Sadness and crying Depression
Sensitivity to others’ comments
Change in sleeping habit
Upset or jealous at the sight of pregnant women, babies or motherhood
Feelings of guilt/failure
Lack or loss of interest in sex

This list is by no means comprehensive. We are all different and all have our own ways of coping. Feelings may resurface some time later, often when asked an innocent question by someone who is unaware of your loss. The Miscarriage Association is always happy to give help and support to anyone who needs it.” You can call them on:

Helpline – 01924 200799 (Mon – Fri, 9am – 4pm)
Information – 01924 200795 (Mon – Fri, 9am – 4pm), or write to them at:

The Miscarriage Association
c/o Clayton Hospital
West Yorkshire
WF1 3JS.

They can also be found at: http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk.

(This article was written following our loss in November 2000, and we wondered if we would ever be parents. To be honest it was kind of scary when we knew we would be. On 2nd May 2003 we were blessed with Matthew who has now started Pre-school. Hold on to hope.)

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